Tuesday, June 30, 2015


We never got the chance to see her in concert, but Tony was a big fan. I think he would have liked this song... plus the video is weird, so it's extra fitting.

Friday, June 26, 2015

Eau de Tony

When we first started dating, Tony's cologne of choice was Jean Paul Gaultier. I remember smelling it when I walked into his room. He had others, but this was always my favorite.

I've lately taken to wearing it myself. I don't think it's too manly smelling, but I wear it mainly because it makes me smile. Slightly weird? Perhaps... but I couldn't care less. 

Here's Tony's bottle (which is probably 10 years old), and a mini one I got recently.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Tony, the Beatles, and me

This is an epic story that started over 25 years ago when I developed an obsession with the Beatles. It was all consuming, and anyone who knew me then would confirm this. When I got my first car in college, my mom even got me a personalized Beatles license plate. I won't drag you through the details, but if it was Beatles, I knew it, had it, or wanted it.

When I met Tony, I am not sure how quickly he became aware of my obsession, but it couldn't have taken long. About 10 days after I met him, my mom called me to tell me that George Harrison had died. Tony held me while I cried like a baby. Even that didn't manage to scare him off!

Then about two months later, I visited Tony at his parents' home in England. He surprised me with a trip to Liverpool. We saw all the Beatles sights, and he liked to tell people about how I corrected the tour guide. He even took me to the gates of George Harrison's home, not far from where his parents lived. Yet another sign that this was the guy for me.

As life, children, and grown-up-ness ensued, my obsession took a backseat, but never diminished. Tony would roll his eyes at how teary eyed anything Beatles could make me. And he could tell you my explanation for why... I have always been amazed at how those unlikely four guys could become the biggest band in history... and how they could impact so many people with their music.

I had been lucky enough to see Ringo in concert twice before I met Tony. And we were lucky enough to see Paul once together... a decent track record. We danced to a Beatles song at our wedding, and I managed to sneak a few bits of memorabilia into the decor of the house. If we had a boy, it would have been quite a fight over his name. Fun fact: Louise shares her birthday with Ringo! (I could go on and on)

Fast forward to this year... the most Beatle-licious of my life. A picture of Tony and I on our 10th anniversary trip made it into one of Ringo's music videos (I'M IN A BEATLES MUSIC VIDEO, REALLY!). And tonight, I was lucky enough to see Paul in concert again. The stories he told are just a snapshot of what the Beatles mean... being the first band to play in Red Square (although that was long after the Beatles), and being told by the Russian Minister of Defense that the first record he bought was "Love Me Do." Or that Jimi Hendrix opened his first London show with "Sgt. Pepper's" only two days after the album had come out. Of course, the tears flowed tonight too. I thought of Tony a million times, and I kept trying to pick the one moment that would sum up this whole story for me.

In the end, Paul said it best... "the love you take is equal to the love you make." I love you, babe.

See if you can spot us in Ringo's video... it's a picture of us after snorkeling in bright blue water... we're about 4:30 and again at the end.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Four months ago...

How can it be that the brightest lights among us can go out?

I'll never understand.

I will try to make my light shine brighter though.

And I will always remember.

Love you, babe.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

A Tony moment

To say that I miss you is a wild understatement. I miss you with every breath and every fiber of my being. Every second, every day.

But sometimes, I have such a clear feeling that you are with me, and today had one of those wonderful moments.

We arrived at the beach this afternoon, and I scrambled the girls out onto the sand as quick as I could. Cora wanted to be about neck deep in the waves, and I tried to give her pointers on how best to navigate them. Louise preferred the much drier areas, with the waves just lapping at her. Keeping an eye on both of them while trying to interact with them both of them was slightly daunting. But instead of being stressed (like I usually am), I just felt such joy. They were happy, and I was happy. I know you were there with us. Thank you for that gift of just enjoying the moment.

It's not as good as you being here to enjoy the beach with us all, but I'll take what I can get. I love you, babe.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015


For the past few months, I have avoided thinking too much about you. At least, that's the best description I have. You are constantly on my mind, but I avoid focusing on you... it's just too raw. I have read all the cards that have come in, but then put them in a box. I've gone back and looked at a few things we have done, but I've mostly just tried to get through the day in front of me.

In the past few days though, that has changed a bit. I read some of your old blog posts (a shit ton happened in the last year), I read the eulogies from your service, I read some of the wonderful emails you got in the last months, and some of the comments people left for both of us.

It makes me cry, of course, but it doesn't feel quite as painful as before. I'm loving those wonderful descriptions of you, the stories of the impact you had, the words of encouragement.

Those last few days with you were really rough. I think this is helping me remember past that... remember when you were more you. I could ever forget your amazingness... but a little reminder seems like a good thing.

love you, babe.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Not Quite 500 miles...

A week ago, I landed at Dulles after a whirlwind four days in England.

I went to be witness to an amazing feat (I just can't seem to escape that pun)... Thirteen of Tony's friends from secondary school walked 100km (62 miles, in case you didn't know) in honor and memory of Tony. They signed up for the London to Brighton Challenge, and they weren't doing a relay, or stages... They were all just walking until they finished. The fastest in their group finished after about 20 hours, without a blister! Only one had to drop out with an injury, but he had already walked 67km... which is still quite impressive. I can't even begin to think about how physically and mentally challenging it must have been!

I was there to see them off, kitted them out in Don't Shrink t-shirts, and managed to see most of them at the finish. I couldn't imagine not being there, when they were doing so much for us. And I know it's exactly where Tony would have wanted me to be.

It's always great to see them too, because I get a little window to a time of Tony's life that I didn't share. Even though he hadn't seen some of these guys in years, they obviously still feel a strong bond to him. I tried to imagine how he would have teased them (which he absolutely would have), but I also know how much their actions meant to him... we had known about the walk since the fall. They are all lucky to have such a group of friends... And I'm so lucky to have a connection to them.

So another "well done" from me across the pond... and thank you all so much!

You can read the story in their own words at The Conway 100km Challenge