Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Dear Tony

Dear Tony-

You died a few minutes after 8 on a Friday morning. It had been a long few days. Monday night, you struggled to breathe, and needed treatments every few hours. Tuesday night, you couldn't clear mucus from your throat and were nearly choking on it at times. On Wednesday morning, Hospice told us that you were leaving us. So we started hourly morphine doses to keep you comfortable. I think sometime Wednesday was the last time you were conscious.

On Thursday, your pulse oxygen level was in the 30s all day. Your heart was still strong, but the rest of your body was failing. I sat with you Thursday night, and wondered how long you could last. When we started this, I promised myself I could be as strong as I needed to be, for as long as I needed to. By Friday morning, I was at my breaking point. I was extremely tired, and just wanted you to be at peace. I cried, and begged, and pleaded. And then in just a few short minutes, you were gone. Your heart lasted until I was ready to collapse. Maybe that means we were perfectly matched.

Nearly all your family was here around you... telling stories, laughing, and crying as we waited with you. People who couldn't be here were sending in stories for us to tell. There was a lot of love. There is no where I would have rather been than by your side.

By the end of that day, most of your medical equipment had been packed up and moved out, and we had started to make your arrangements. It was strange, and very surreal. But I could still feel you here. I could feel you in the love that surrounded us, and in my heart. I still feel you. I know you'll always be there.

I love you,


  1. Beautiful, Amanda. thank you for this, and for allowing us to be part of your lives. Huge LOVE. Rick

  2. Amanda, my sincere condolences to you and the girls. Tony was a brave lad.

  3. A very brave remembrance of a difficult time. You and your children will keep Tony alive now in your memories.