Congratulations VMI Class of 2017!
I've read about the five stages of grief, and I think they are logical, but I don't think they apply to me. Maybe it's because I knew this was coming... or maybe I went through them when Tony was still alive. But, at this moment, none of those are a good description for me. So, I'm going to keep making up my own terms... I'm the one who's trying to figure this out, so I'll call it whatever I want to!
Right now, I am in a state of turmoil. Tomorrow is 9 months since Tony died. His birthday has recently past, the holidays and my birthday are coming up. Last week, I got rid of a dumpster worth of stuff that had been lying around, some of it Tony's. We went through the first soccer season without him. Most days, I feel all over the place. Every night, I feel emotionally exhausted, though I can't remember why.
After spending the summer with the girls, I said I would take this fall to focus on myself, and clearly I needed that. But I'm still unclear on what that means and whether or not I'm accomplishing it. I've been so confused about how I've been feeling, that I couldn't even figure out how to write about it.
Maybe I've finally hit a stage of deep depression after the frenzy that followed Tony's death. Maybe I'm starting to be able to see the world past the end of my toes. Maybe I just have no idea...
Sometimes I feel good, sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed. I try to remind myself that my life has been turned upside several times in the last few years, and it will take time to right it. I try to remind myself that being a single parent is hard work, no matter who you are.
If I go back to my last invented term widow-lescence, I think it still fits. I remember adolescence as a time of turmoil as well... goodness knows I was all over the place then too. And while I usually try to find a lesson in my observations, I can't find it in this one. I suppose that's the nature of turmoil... hard to see it clearly.
People often ask me if I'm going back to work, which is a perfectly understandable question. Clearly, my answer should be "not yet." Not until this settles down at least.
I was so honored to accept the Citizen of the Year Award for Tony this year.
I could go on and on and how wonderful he was... and it's always lovely to see that other people know it too.
Thank you to whoever nominated him, and everyone who voted!