**WARNING** deep secrets will be revealed below**
Ever since I was a little girl, I have had a particular habit when trying to go to sleep. I would always daydream (or would this be nightdream?) about me and a certain handsome fellow. The fellow and what we were doing (ahem) changed over time, but the premise was always the same. I found it was always useful for turning my brain off and settling down for sleep. Very occasionally it would morph into an actual dream as well, always a bonus.
After meeting Tony, he was always the man of my dreams, literally and figuratively. When he got sick, it became harder because ALS did a serious number on our physical romance. ALS even invaded my dreams, and it's just another reason I'll never stop hating it. I could never work out a successful daydream of us heading into the sunset in his wheelchair.
After Tony died, that problem lingered and I still haven't really been able to settle back into this habit. For one, there is no one to star in my dreams anymore. And lately this type of daydream leaves me feeling more pathetic than anything else.
My new plan is to daydream about the thing that is even more elusive than the perfect guy... a capable and confident Amanda. It's still an incredibly unlikely thing, but it seems marginally more realistic at this point.
If nothing else, it is apparently maddeningly dull... I'm usually asleep within a few minutes.
A girl can always dream, right?