Friday, March 20, 2015

One month gone...

Things are both different and the same.

I've started a teeny fraction of the things I need to do in the wake of your departure. It seems to be a lot of paperwork. I did discover that I can no longer pull your credit report... do you think that means you'll quit getting credit card offers in the mail? Let's hope so.

Spring has sprung, and today makes it official. We've planted the spring garden, and it's weird to think I won't be able to rush in and tell you when the first shoots come up.

In a way, I've been preparing for this for the past 3 years. You gradually were unable to do yard work, give me a hug, help in the kitchen, help with the girls... and in the last few months, you were even turning over your computer work to me.

But I told you this before, and (so far) I've been right. The single biggest thing I miss is simply talking to you. Telling you about my day, about the girls, about the cool thing I read. When you were feeling low, and said you had no purpose, I said that you were wrong... that the best part of my day was sharing it with you. I know that was no substitute for your life before ALS, but it still meant the world to me.

So, babe, today I straightened up the house, and did some paperwork. Then Louise and I went to town, and had lunch at the Palms with Daddy. I had the fish tacos, which were pretty good, but I don't know if I'd get them again. Then we went to Kroger, where Louise threw a fit because I wouldn't let her get candy. So I was the mom with the screaming child that everyone was staring at, fun times. Cora had a good day at school, and said she did some activity involving rectangles in gym... that narrows it down. It has been rainy and dreary, so we are watching Beauty and the Beast now. Steak and roast potatoes for dinner! I know you would enjoy that!

I love you, babe. And I miss you.


  1. Glad to hear you got your Spring garden in! I have found gardening to be so therapeutic: it's something about getting your hands in the earth, and having dirt streaks on your face and sunshine on your skin, about making a corner of the yard come alive with color and shape and things that are good to eat, about the surprise of seeing things you forgot you planted return to surprise you, about the fresh air and good old-fashioned physical labor that makes you tired in a really nice way; about taking a break from the endless paperwork, about those moments when it's just you and the birds and the bugs and the plants and the wind and the natural world, and in those quiet moments you get a clarity that is so good for the soul. To everything there is a season, as the saying goes, and being in the garden in Spring helps to remind us that, no matter how long the Winter seems, Spring always comes again. Rooster took his long journey in February, like Tony, and that year it felt like Spring would never happen again. But it did. And that year I noticed more beauty around me than I ever had in my life before. Something about that really deep sorrow when you say goodbye to somebody you love opens up new vistas in your spirit, makes you see things in a more profound way, makes you more attuned to the rhythms of Nature. Maybe it's because when that happens you truly realize we aren't on this Earth forever, and therefore it makes you notice things a little more, to drink in the beauty like a healing tonic. It's funny how just seeing the first daffodils come up that first year helped my heart to start healing. I wish your Love could write back to you here, or at least tweet something funny and sweet, but I'm sure in your quiet moments you can still hear his voice and know exactly what he would say and think, and feel his presence and love all around you. You always will. I hope your garden grows shockingly green and stirringly beautiful, healthy and bountiful and strong, and maybe a little unruly. The only thing in this life that doesn't abide by the rules of the seasons is love: it never quits blooming and doesn't die back in the winter. It just grows more and more and spills out of its containers and the next thing you know it's taken over the whole world. I know that sounds like an invasive plant like mint or bamboo or something haha. But in this case, it's a good thing! Happy gardening! Big Love!

  2. Both of you make my heart sad and my heart sing at the same time. A glorious spring to you both