I've read about the five stages of grief, and I think they are logical, but I don't think they apply to me. Maybe it's because I knew this was coming... or maybe I went through them when Tony was still alive. But, at this moment, none of those are a good description for me. So, I'm going to keep making up my own terms... I'm the one who's trying to figure this out, so I'll call it whatever I want to!
Right now, I am in a state of turmoil. Tomorrow is 9 months since Tony died. His birthday has recently past, the holidays and my birthday are coming up. Last week, I got rid of a dumpster worth of stuff that had been lying around, some of it Tony's. We went through the first soccer season without him. Most days, I feel all over the place. Every night, I feel emotionally exhausted, though I can't remember why.
After spending the summer with the girls, I said I would take this fall to focus on myself, and clearly I needed that. But I'm still unclear on what that means and whether or not I'm accomplishing it. I've been so confused about how I've been feeling, that I couldn't even figure out how to write about it.
Maybe I've finally hit a stage of deep depression after the frenzy that followed Tony's death. Maybe I'm starting to be able to see the world past the end of my toes. Maybe I just have no idea...
Sometimes I feel good, sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed. I try to remind myself that my life has been turned upside several times in the last few years, and it will take time to right it. I try to remind myself that being a single parent is hard work, no matter who you are.
If I go back to my last invented term widow-lescence, I think it still fits. I remember adolescence as a time of turmoil as well... goodness knows I was all over the place then too. And while I usually try to find a lesson in my observations, I can't find it in this one. I suppose that's the nature of turmoil... hard to see it clearly.
People often ask me if I'm going back to work, which is a perfectly understandable question. Clearly, my answer should be "not yet." Not until this settles down at least.