Thursday, November 19, 2015

State of Turmoil

I've read about the five stages of grief, and I think they are logical, but I don't think they apply to me. Maybe it's because I knew this was coming... or maybe I went through them when Tony was still alive. But, at this moment, none of those are a good description for me. So, I'm going to keep making up my own terms... I'm the one who's trying to figure this out, so I'll call it whatever I want to!

Right now, I am in a state of turmoil. Tomorrow is 9 months since Tony died. His birthday has recently past, the holidays and my birthday are coming up. Last week, I got rid of a dumpster worth of stuff that had been lying around, some of it Tony's. We went through the first soccer season without him. Most days, I feel all over the place. Every night, I feel emotionally exhausted, though I can't remember why.

After spending the summer with the girls, I said I would take this fall to focus on myself, and clearly I needed that. But I'm still unclear on what that means and whether or not I'm accomplishing it. I've been so confused about how I've been feeling, that I couldn't even figure out how to write about it.

Maybe I've finally hit a stage of deep depression after the frenzy that followed Tony's death. Maybe I'm starting to be able to see the world past the end of my toes. Maybe I just have no idea...

Sometimes I feel good, sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed. I try to remind myself that my life has been turned upside several times in the last few years, and it will take time to right it. I try to remind myself that being a single parent is hard work, no matter who you are.

If I go back to my last invented term widow-lescence, I think it still fits. I remember adolescence as a time of turmoil as well... goodness knows I was all over the place then too. And while I usually try to find a lesson in my observations, I can't find it in this one. I suppose that's the nature of turmoil... hard to see it clearly.

People often ask me if I'm going back to work, which is a perfectly understandable question. Clearly, my answer should be "not yet." Not until this settles down at least.


  1. Losing your dad certainly didn't help you in your recovery Amanda! There is nothing wrong with how you're handling things so just keep on keepin on, an remember we're (and when I say we're, I KNOW I speak for EVERYONE, right?!!?) always there for ya.

  2. there will be plenty of "not yet "moments..
    then will come the "I'm ready let's go " times . You will know
    when these are ,im sure you have had some already, keep it going .


  3. O Amanda: This time of year is especially hard for us all. The shortness of days. The too-early darkness. The shiver-y chill in the air. The Whole Holiday Stress Thing. Arg! And then your BIRTHDAY?! Clearly you need some kind of birthday party...can I just invite myself over to soak in your hot-tub and drink beer with you? But seriously, widow-lescence is the perfect term. It's about being reborn to yourself after a huge, world-shaking loss...they say that after seven years you are a whole new person, cells and all. But I would say that you never really forget the person you once were, even when all your cells are new, and you'll never, ever forget that you are Tony's wife. And David's daughter. And that's as it should be. Big parts of who you are now are because of them. But still, you are your own woman and you will get to know yourself anew and grow and thrive in ways you can't imagine maybe quite yet. All this difficult and agonizing and heart-wrenching stuff will help you be reborn as a wiser and stronger and even more compassionate woman, I promise you. Don't give up. All I can say is you got to hold on, Darlin' Do something special for a friend (or even a stranger) who needs a little extra love, make some magic for your little girls to help them forget, (or at least be somewhat soothed) that they will be without their favorite guys this Christmas, and find a way to soothe yourself and sleep well and find the freedom in your heart to be able to breathe the prayers of Thanksgiving. When you are sad, think of all the people in your life that are still here with you on this Earth, who bring you joy and meaning...and even though you are missing your two Main Men, remember that you are loved and admired and supported by so many others, too. Bognorbhoy is a wise soul: he says you will know when you are ready to say "Let's Go!". That is definitely so. And your sweet sister Renata: well, I only wish she were MY sister, too. You are so lucky to have her, and your fabulous mama, and all of your power team people. It's all about The Love. Tony and David will never be really gone from here as long as you are are such a credit to them both. You are so bright and beautiful! Peace and Love be with you, Sister!