Sometimes I can't believe this is my life, and usually it feels pretty surreal. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself, but I can't let that last long. We always said that we felt lucky and that it could be worse, so I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. I genuinely believe those things. My brain has been full of contradictions.
Core memory A: My husband died from a horrible disease at the age of 36. That is awful.
Core memory B: We were able to do amazing things because of that illness. And we were able to put aside all (nearly all) the pettiness and bickering that comes with marriage, and life, and life with small kids, and just be together in an incredible way.
How can those two coexist? Would I rather have more time with Tony? Absolutely. But would I give up the quality of time that ALS gave us? Nope. Trying to solve that paradox was making me a little crazy.
In the end, it's not a choice I had to make. Why pester myself about it? There is no "fair" in life, there is only the life you get. And it's up to you to make the best of that life, every day. A really shitty thing happened to me, but mixed up in that were some incredibly wonderful things too. They don't cancel each other out or conflict with each other, they are both part of my experience.
I miss Tony, and I always will. I feel incredibly lucky to have loved him and have his love in return. I'll keep that joy and sadness together in my heart. I am stronger when Joy and Sadness work together. And I'll keep making new core memories.
P.S. If you haven't watched the movie Inside Out, you really really should.