Amanda was hesitant to talk about some sad things last night, because we were having such a nice, relaxing evening. She was actually coming back to something I started earlier in the day...
"Peaches," has become my code-word for feeling notably depressed.
There's never one single, specific thing that seems to set me off, but there are consistent themes.
The most obvious one is spending too long pondering the future of my children, Cora and Louise. My mind can spiral in many directions; life milestones that I may miss, enjoyable experiences that I may not see repeated as much as I wish, moments of bliss that have a slight bittersweet hue, watching them grow, things I could do to help guide them, the love I have for them...I could go on for some time.
Not enjoying as much time with Amanda as I'd wish sets me off.
The thought of Amanda raising the girls on her own sets me off.
The thought of the pain that my family will experience sets me off.
My generally cheerful disposition belies these short bouts of depression, but they happen.
I feel the best thing to do is to revert back to the mind-set behind my Indian-Scottish proverb: Never let too much of tomorrow get in the way of today.
...after all, all of those people above are the reason I'm happy, and I want to enjoy every moment.