Monday, March 21, 2016

Large and Not so in Charge

One of the things that scared me most from the time of Tony's diagnosis was the idea of being a single parent. Of course, the loss of Tony impacts my life in a thousand ways... but I'm just going to focus on this one part right now.

Not too many people set out to become single parents, and it's usually an unpleasant situation that makes them one. I certainly know I am not alone, and I don't know anyone who would say that being a single parent is easy. Knowing that does make me feel a little better, but it doesn't make the job any easier.

Right now, I have a lot going on. I'm organizing for the Conway Cup, I'm helping organize an event at Louise's day care, I'm on a board... and maybe I got myself in over my head. But the thing that seems to wear me down the most is parenting. I love my girls more than anything, and I can't imagine what life would be without them... but sometimes the thought of a weekend when we have nothing planned scares the daylights out of me. How am I going to survive those two unstructured days?

They fight, they ask for things, they want to watch TV, they play nicely together, they want to watch TV, they are bored, they ask for things... and repeat, repeat, repeat. That just covers the first hour they are awake. I am thankful for every day that I have with them, but I feel like I need to go to bed about 15 minutes after they do. (If you try to call me after 8:30, you've probably called too late)

The future is a dim and murky place and when I think about wrestling two girls through adolescence by myself... urgh. I won't even go there. I suppose some things will get easier... I won't always have to make their breakfast and wonder what disaster they are creating when they get quiet. But, other things will get harder.

I know I'm lucky to have them. I know I'm lucky I don't have to work right now. I know I'm lucky they have good schools to go to. I know I'm lucky in so many ways... but I'm also tired, so tired... and I know I'm earning those grey hairs I'm starting to see. I guess you can be lucky and worn out at the same time, and that's me. I hope it's not this hard for 14 more years... one day at a time has gotten me this far though...

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