I'm on my second round of things without Tony. In some ways, it has gotten easier or at least I am getting used to it. I still feel his loss, and I still think about him all the time. But it's more of an underlying ache, not the raw wound it was. But it can still hit me really hard, and it seems to happen at strange times.
The first summer without Tony, I know I overdid it. This past summer was much better, we did things and had fun, but we didn't go overboard. This fall, Louise started kindergarten, so both the girls are on the same schedule. There were a few weeks in there when I felt like I was ahead of the parenting game.
October snuck up on me. Tony's birthday was at the beginning of the month, and this past weekend was his fifteen year VMI reunion. We also started planning for the holidays... Thanksgiving, my birthday, and Christmas. The impact of all those things were my October surprise.
It hasn't yet been two years since I lost my husband. I'm dealing with single parenting and trying to return to work (part-time... I'm SO thankful I haven't had to go back to work full-time yet). And I'm trying to get all the things done... all the time.
I shouldn't have been surprised by this October mood swing, but I was. Our therapist told Tony that he should allow himself to experience the mood swings when they hit him. Feel it, and then let it pass. One of Tony's classmates (BRs) said the same thing at the memorial service last weekend... Let yourself feel the loss of these people, remember the place they had in your life, but then go out and enjoy the day. It's what they would have wanted.
At times, I am very impatient for the "next" phase of my life to start. Who knows what that will look like... but I get really anxious for a reboot. It will probably happen gradually, and I won't even notice it. In the meantime, I should remember that this takes time. I shouldn't try to rush it. I will grieve Tony for the rest of my life and now I know that it will hurt more sometimes than others.
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