Thursday, May 1, 2014

Technology is broken, not me. Technology is inadequate, not me.

Perhaps the most inspiring thing I've seen in some time


  1. hi there nice to see you posting on CQN ,i hear you like a laugh .this one made me smile
    A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond Bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

    As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

    Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed Her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

    As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.

    Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

    He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help You today?

    Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow Missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?’

    He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to shit yourself when I tell you the price

  2. Tony
    This has even more resonance for those of us who know that bognorbhoy had a procedure yesterday. Diet over tomorrow I hear.


  3. Ah well now....if it's jokes we are looking for can we please have a dedicated blog page?

    May I start the ball rolling with these quality gems:

    I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at
    the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

    Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’; who has stabbed
    six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker
    could be following some kind of pattern.

  4. The wife came into our bedroom last night in time to find me pulling off my boxers.
    'Will you leave those bloody dogs alone' she cried!

  5. A guy on a TV comedy quiz was demonstrating his ability to peel a banana with his feet.

    Comedian on the other side asks him "How did you discover you had this unique talent?"

    Quick as a flash, he replies " One day, I fancied a banana and my hands were full....."

  6. A guy on a TV comedy quiz was demonstrating his ability to peel a banana with his feet.

    Comedian on the other side asks him "How did you discover you had this unique talent?"

    Quick as a flash, he replies " One day, I fancied a banana and my hands were full....."

  7. Hello, I apologise in advance for the quality of some of these, but they made me laugh and I hope they do the same to you. I post as Dharma bam on CQN but I'm having problems trying to post under that name here - technology and me!

    Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent.

    Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
    Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat

    What's 50 Cent's name in Zimbabwe?
    400 Million Dollars.

    She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.

    Last night Morag and I watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

    What's Forest Gump's Facebook password?

    I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

    I went to the doctor today and he told me I had type A blood but it was a type O

    I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.

    If you're struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas. Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

    I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

  8. Tony, I posted this on CQN yesterday (and probably before that as well) but I like it. I hope you do too

    A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre so the barman gave her one


  9. Bob Monkhouse (successful UK comedian for those not in the know) once said during his stand up show

    "People laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian....they're not laughing now"


  10. A penguin walks into a bar and asks the barman, `has my dad been in here today?`
    The barman replies, ` I don`t know.....what does he look like?`
    BobbyRussell CQN

  11. hi Tony , did you hear the score ? 5-2 to the champions broony got 2,kris 2,stokes
    the new celtic way opened today seen some pics it looks grand.I will get the chance to see it next week when i go to glasgow.Here is a link,hope it works.
    keep the faith

  12. you may have to copy and paste the link


  13. Good morning Tony, hope you are well this Sunday. The men at our prayer breakfast asked about you yesterday morning. I was pleased to let them know how the walk turned out last weekend. They also rejoiced for all the efforts that were made by all who attended. The men at the breakfast are most over there 60's. They all have such wonderful spirits. As they have age, they also have many friends that have many troubles and pains. As such some of them do as well. We come together as men lifting up or petitions and praises to God. Knowing that He hears them. Are our prayers answered in the way and time we want them to, not always. But we know He hears them. I say all this so you know, myself and these standfast group of men are daily praying for you and Amanda, Cora, and Lousie (sorry about the spelling, I'm terrible at it). We will continue to lift you and your family up. As to request strength for the day, courage for your heart and family, and a humble heart as to seek the Lord in all that comes your way each day. The men don't know you as even I have never met you. But we all have a profound burden on each of our hearts for you. I wanted to share my Bible reading this morning if I may.....
    Psalms 32
    1 Blessed is the one
    whose transgressions are forgiven,
    whose sins are covered.
    2 Blessed is the one
    whose sin the Lord does not count against them
    and in whose spirit is no deceit.

    3 When I kept silent,
    my bones wasted away
    through my groaning all day long.
    4 For day and night
    your hand was heavy on me;
    my strength was sapped
    as in the heat of summer.

    5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you
    and did not cover up my iniquity.
    I said, “I will confess
    my transgressions to the Lord.”
    And you forgave
    the guilt of my sin.

    6 Therefore let all the faithful pray to you
    while you may be found;
    surely the rising of the mighty waters
    will not reach them.
    7 You are my hiding place;
    you will protect me from trouble
    and surround me with songs of deliverance.

    (The Lord says:)
    8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
    I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.
    9 Do not be like the horse or the mule,
    which have no understanding
    but must be controlled by bit and bridle
    or they will not come to you.
    10 Many are the woes of the wicked,
    but the Lord’s unfailing love
    surrounds the one who trusts in him.

    11 Rejoice in the Lord and be glad, you righteous;
    sing, all you who are upright in heart!

    God bless you and your family Tony.....

    Daily praying for you,

  14. If we are still posting jokes, this is a long one:-

    A Sergeant Major was in Scotland training troops for imminent jungle warfare in the Malay Peninsula in the 50s.

    "Right men" he said, "You have completed your final training and you have learned all you need to know to fight the commies in the jungle out there. But there is one last enemy that I must teach you about before you are completely ready. Apart from the insurgents, the main danger you will face in the jungle is if you come across the world's most deadly snake, the dreaded Black Mamba."

    "You will recognise this snake by the concentric black and orange rings on his body. If you encounter the snake and you spot it from more than a distance of 10 feet you can take evasive action. However, if you are closer than this distance when you find it, you must not run or you will be struck down by its fast reactions. The only way to deal with a Black Mamba is to grab it with both hands at the tip of its tail, run both hands up its length, squeezing tight as you go, and, when you reach the neck, turn and twist hard. This will kill the snake."

    "Now, you have learned all you need. I will visit you in combat in two months time to see how you are getting on."

    Two months pass and the Sergeant-Major is touring a military hospital in Malaya. He comes to the first bed where a soldier is bandaged from the waist down.

    S-M "What happened to you, brave lad?"

    S1- "Well, I was attacking an enemy machine gun nest and I took a bullet in each leg. Doctor says I am recovering well."

    S-M "Great stuff, brave lad, you'll be back on your feet and fighting commies again soon"

    On he goes to a second bed where a soldier is bandaged from the neck up.

    S-M "What happened to you, brave lad?"

    S2- "Well Sarge, I was attacking an enemy sniper position when I was attacked from the side by a commie with a bayonet. My head was cut open badly but the Doc says I am patching up well."

    S-M "Well, I'm sure you will be back fighting the commies again soon, brave lad"

    He walks on to the third bed where a soldier is bandaged completely from head to foot with only a gap for his mouth and eyes. Before he can ask the soldier what's wrong the soldier starts shouting at him-

    S3 " You and your bloody Black Mamba. It was your advice that caused all this!"

    S-M (recovering from the shock) " I don't know what you're talking about. There's no way a Black Mamba could have caused those extensive injuries. In fact, you should be dead, what happened?"

    S3- "Well, there i was in a clearing in the jungle and I turned round and just two feet away was the long tail with the black and orange concentric stripes, just as you had told us about in training. My training kicked in and I grabbed it art the tip, ran both hands up its length, squeezing tight as I went, finally twisting when I reached its other end.........

    ......And that's when I found myself in the middle of the jungle with my hands up the arse of a Bengal Tiger"

    well, I never claimed it was a great joke, just a long one :-)