Large and Not so in Charge

One of the things that scared me most from the time of Tony's diagnosis was the idea of being a single parent. Of course, the loss of Tony impacts my life in a thousand ways... but I'm just going to focus on this one part right now.

Not too many people set out to become single parents, and it's usually an unpleasant situation that makes them one. I certainly know I am not alone, and I don't know anyone who would say that being a single parent is easy. Knowing that does make me feel a little better, but it doesn't make the job any easier.

Right now, I have a lot going on. I'm organizing for the Conway Cup, I'm helping organize an event at Louise's day care, I'm on a board... and maybe I got myself in over my head. But the thing that seems to wear me down the most is parenting. I love my girls more than anything, and I can't imagine what life would be without them... but sometimes the thought of a weekend when we have nothing planned scares the daylights out of me. How am I going to survive those two unstructured days?

They fight, they ask for things, they want to watch TV, they play nicely together, they want to watch TV, they are bored, they ask for things... and repeat, repeat, repeat. That just covers the first hour they are awake. I am thankful for every day that I have with them, but I feel like I need to go to bed about 15 minutes after they do. (If you try to call me after 8:30, you've probably called too late)

The future is a dim and murky place and when I think about wrestling two girls through adolescence by myself... urgh. I won't even go there. I suppose some things will get easier... I won't always have to make their breakfast and wonder what disaster they are creating when they get quiet. But, other things will get harder.

I know I'm lucky to have them. I know I'm lucky I don't have to work right now. I know I'm lucky they have good schools to go to. I know I'm lucky in so many ways... but I'm also tired, so tired... and I know I'm earning those grey hairs I'm starting to see. I guess you can be lucky and worn out at the same time, and that's me. I hope it's not this hard for 14 more years... one day at a time has gotten me this far though...

Rat History

I filled out the paperwork and officially re-entered the working world this week. I am going to be a part-time tutor to cadet athletes (the fancy term) at VMI.

First year students are loving known as "rats" at VMI, and they are required to take two semesters of world history... which is known as "rat history."VMI is a school that focuses on engineering, and so apparently a lot of rats struggle in those classes. Now, I can swoop in to assist them!

I haven't actually tutored anyone yet, but after mid-term grades come in, there might be a few requests for my help. I'm really looking forward to it.

I was excited to claim that I was once again gainfully employed, and at first, I felt silly. It's just a part time job, after all, and one for which I should be very well qualified. But then I stopped to think about it for a minute. It is really a huge moment in my life. I've been unemployed for nearly three years.... three of the most important years of my life. First, it was thrilling to be hired in a job (someone actually wants me to work for them?). Second, this is a huge step for me, at least symbolically. I'm reclaiming a part of my identity... a part of me that is not a caregiver... a part of me that had to be put aside in the last years. I never understood work in that way until I gave it up, first to spend a year with Cora when she was a baby, and then to take care of Tony. Maybe it's just because teaching is such a special profession (in both good and bad ways), but it was a part of me that I missed when it was gone. Maybe I wouldn't feel the same way if I was a digger of ditches. Maybe I would still be damn proud of those ditches (look at those ditches I dug!)... I don't know.

Anyway, I am embracing this moment, and being damn proud of my part time job. It's a job, and it's a step toward the future. I never could have imagined I'd have a job at VMI... you just never know what the future holds.

The Conway Cup 2.1

The Conway Cup was probably Tony's favorite day of the year. The smile never left his face on that day, and he loved every minute of it. Even when it became hard for him, he wanted to be there all day. 

Last year, he died the day before the Cup was scheduled, but we had already made the decision to postpone due to looming weather. It snowed at least a foot that day. We rescheduled for April, but most of the original teams couldn't make it so it was a much smaller Cup. It was still a great day, though.

It's a lot of work to put together a soccer tournament for up to 50 teams, and although I have helped with it every year, I have always just been Tony's assistant. In preparation for the 2016 tournament, I have been working as hard as I can to get it right. I know I want it to go well for Tony, I want him to be proud of me for pulling it off. But I also want it to go well for the cause, celebrating Tony and raising money for ALS. 

We made a decision to hold the tournament in April this year, instead of late February. Presumably, the weather will be better, and I wanted to be away for the weekend Tony died, instead of hosting a soccer tournament. We knew it was a gamble on whether or not the teams would show up. 

So now, we are one month away from the tournament and we only have six teams registered. I'm starting to wonder if the Cup will happen at all. I have been stressing about it big time, but I had a moment of zen last week. If the Cup doesn't happen, I will be disappointed, but I will not be defeated. I cannot make 50 teams register by force of will alone. And we can try again next year (maybe in February). 

It's probably some part of the state I am in to focus (bordering on obsession) on an event like this. It represents Tony's legacy, but it isn't the only part of that legacy. I'm hoping more teams will roll in, and we'll have a great day in April. If not, I know I tried (really hard).

The Lowest of the Low

Four years ago, Tony wrote a post about a guy who had contacted him claiming to have a cure for ALS...

Marty Murray - Redefining Scum

I continue to get random comments from "people" describing the cures they have received for ALS. I completely understand the desperation that leads people to contact scammers like these... and I cannot begin to fathom how these assholes sleep at night. This one showed up today...

God bless Dr.successful for his marvelous work in my life, I was diagnosed of ALS since 2012 and I was taking my medications, I wasn't satisfied i needed to get the ALS out of my system, I searched about some possible cure for ALS i saw a comment about Dr. successful , how he cured ALS with his herbal medicine, I contacted him and he guided me. I asked for solutions, he started the remedy for my health, he sent me the medicine through UPS SPEED POST. I took the medicine as prescribed by him and 14 days later i was cured from ALS ,thank you drsuccessfulcuringhome@gmail.com or drsuccessfulcuringhome@outlook.com or drsuccessfulcuringhome@yahoo.com

Getting a cure for ALS through UPS SPEED POST? Fuck off. 

When Dreams Change, but Still Come True

We've spent a calendar year without Tony. 

Last Saturday was the first anniversary of his passing. Many years as a mother and caregiver have turned me into a planner, and as the first significant dates without him loomed on the calendar, I always planned something. For our anniversary, I went to London to cheer on his friends as they walked 100k in memory of him. For his birthday, we spent the weekend with family. When I thought ahead to the one year mark, I knew I would have to plan something good. 

I wanted to take the girls away. I spent a lot of time considering the logistics of various place, because traveling alone with two kids isn't easy. I wanted someplace fun and as easy as possible. 

Disney was a pretty obvious choice. No where else (that I know of) has so much fun and magic per square foot, and also a host of people willing to help with everything. So, I booked the tickets in the fall and sat on the secret for months. 

I'll admit it was 90% a decision made for me. I have such wonderful memories of our last trip there, and spending the worst day of the year in the happiest place on Earth seemed perfect to me. Of course, I assumed the girls would be happy to come along, especially as we'd also be there for Cora's birthday.

We had an incredible four days, and were worn out by the time we left yesterday. There were at least a hundred wonderful moments...

• Watching a 3D movie and seeing Louise reach out to grab stuff
• Cora's excitement during the luau (especially for the manly dancers in their island apparel)
• The endless magical sights of Disney
• Catching Louise at the bottom of her first trip down a waterslide
• Watching the girls mimic the sights and sounds
• Seeing Louise hug Winnie and Pooh (whom she sleeps with every night), and meet Elsa (who is her alter ego)

I'm so so glad we went, and I think Tony would have approved. I did find myself tearing up seemingly randomly... is it usual to cry at the Lion King theme song? But, honestly, the Hall of Presidents is always going to make me cry. 

Cora told me they would cherish these memories, and I know I will too. While Disney is designed for kids, being there to experience it with them is the greatest part.